Letters about lust, legolas, and life! V. Funny!
by Hell-Bent
Summary: Letters between 2 rabid fangirls, Very funny, you dont need a summary, JUST READ THE DAMN THING! Plz R+R
1. Of Awkward Questions...

Authors Note: This is co-written between me and my friend sarah, sarahmackie@blueyonder.co.uk. Leave a review with your elvish/hobbit/dwarven/nickname/Orc name and what your are (I.e Elf/Hobbit) And object of desire in a review and we will put uou in the story.

Disclaimer: I only own Andwathiel and anything else you havent heard of.

Dear Elenya,

This is kinda awkward. Well our school (Endor Ist Yar University) is doing some weird project set up by BLOODY BOROMIR! He thinks we need to know about other middle earth schools, for Modern Middle Earth Studies. Joy. Well anyway we were told we had to ask you questions so

What's your favourite colour? Do you like dwarves? (Stupid question!) Favourite food? School? Friends? Object of desire? 

Oh my Eru this is boring. Well Im sure letters could get more boring than this. Anyway, Galadriel is checking the dorms, fuck fuck fuck! We are soooo NOT aloud to have shrines in our rooms! Just finished worshipping Leggy, (Duh) and obviously hid The statue, posters, and more fangirl material inside the wardrobe out of view, but my room mate (Who still hasn't decided on an elvish name so I call her It') Left out her Mahoosive Aragorn Picture (And the candles) Oh well its her detention Anyway Aragorn gives them so she'll be happy. Even if it does mean washing Gimli's (nose) hair. Aragorn doesn't teach at our school but he does give detentions. Same with legolas, he is a supply but occasionally does archery. O.o Legolas fantasy coming on I have to go and plot and scheme to be evil/ capture leggy now. Any ideas? Sorry for the short letter.

Namarie!

Andwathiel (Call me Andi)


	2. Yet More Awkward Questions and A Compari...

A/N I only own Elli and anyone you have heard of, unless you're featured in the fic, then you belong to yourself, or your parents. Oooh, you're confusing me! Sofie, where are my pills? We've been over this, it is *not* funny to hide them!  
  
From the distance: *Manic laughter*  
  
*  
  
Dear Andi,  
  
This is the worst project ever, suggested, thanks a lot, by our very own Miss Undomiel. She's evil. You get detentions from Aragorn? Aragorn the Amazing? The one and only desire of my friend, Iaryavie the Insane? Hahahahahahahahahahaha! He is evil! Undomiel is worse though. For a detention with her, you have to clean the dwarf's bathrooms! *shudder* To answer your question, I am starchly dwarfist. Yes, it was a stupid question. And OMG you desire my one and only!!! My Archery teacher, the Prince of Eryn Lasgalen!!! Mortified. Just mortified. He is *mine*. But since you aren't here, I'll give you tips for catching him, if you promise to help me.  
  
He *loves* honeyed Lembas  
  
He hates it if you pick flowers  
  
He likes trees  
  
He's and elf. That will actually help.  
  
By the way, my favourite colour is green, the colour of his eyes. *Sigh*. We aren't allowed shrines either, so I keep mine in the grounds, with the trees he loves so. And the other one under my bed, and the other one in my drawer, and my portable one in my… well… you don't want to know. Gimli also visits here, ick, but only for short periods when Aragorn is staying with Undomiel. If you ever feel like breaking It's heart, tell her about the impending wedding, mwehehehehe… Oh, my school, I never told you the name. Eryn Las Uni. University, but I just write Uni., whatever… Favourite food is honeyed Lembas for aforementioned reason, what is yours? Ummm, I like bread. Bread is good. Legolas teaches Archery, if you didn't know, he's a supply teacher. I wish we had fewer teachers. Then he could come here more. Elrond teaches here too. He came to be with little Arwie~Kins. Hahahahahahaha. He called her that in assembly. We were standing there, and he said,  
  
"Would you please rise for my little Arwie~Kins," Can you believe that!? Now we put notes on her desk entitled,  
  
Dear Arwie~Kins,  
  
I hope you have had a nice day darling and I miss you terribly. Remember to eat your vegetables at lunch time and don't hang around with the wrong crowd.  
  
Love, Daddy.  
  
Every time she finds one she screeches,  
  
"WHAT *BOY* DID THIS!? I SAY *BOY* BECAUSE NO GIRL IS CAPABLE OF THIS!" so every lesson I put one on her desk and usually Vanadil or Mithfalas gets the blame. I'm so evil. Before I leave for my detention, I have a few questions:  
  
Hobbies? *Your* Favourite food? Worst teacher? Favourite techer? (excluding *him*) Any more questions you can think of?  
  
Get back to me on those. Umm, bye.  
  
Namarie!  
  
Elli ~A~ 


	3. Of Hot air balloons and spoons...

Authors Note:thanx for SO many reviews -_-; You'll never get your 'pills' back now sarah, I hid them in Gimlis room! MWAH HAH HAH! Do you *know* what I went through in there? And let us never speak of it again!  
  
Disclaimer:I don't own anything, even my prozac.  
  
Ellie,  
  
I was laughing out loud at the Arwen thing! We have no boys at our school, stupid really, its only gonna get most of the male (gorgeous) teachers mobbed. We punish Galadriel for the no shrines rule by thinking, literally. You know, Fantasys (including whipped cream) about Legolas, Galadriel and gimli together, (That one never fails to make her pass out)That sort of thing. Anyway, food, well, it *used* to be Chocolate Lembas but now its honeyed Lembas. Do the maths. So, Anyway, My favourite teacher is Eowyn in Quenya 101, she is sooo easy, she spends all her time dreaming abut Faramir while we plot new ways to kidnap-er-I mean get Legolas' attention. The latest idea, is climb up a tree when he's there and pretend to get stuck. But wouldn't he think you couldn't climb trees? I may try and fly a hot air balloon with 'I LOVE YOU LEGOLAS' Written on it around the school grounds. Anyway, the worst teacher *has* to be Sauron. He is a drag queen. Seriously, we walked on on him wearing a bra and makeup. The screams could be heard in the archery field! Its furthest away from anything because its some bright idea that fangirls will have to run so far to get Legolas they will pass out before they get there. Needless to say, now they have started using aeroplanes, balrogs, tractors, anything that moves to get over there. What's your favourite subject? Excluding archery! Catching Desire Class 305 with Galadriel is best. It's a makeover basically! We have it today actually. Today was *so* funny, we has Sam for Cookery classes, and someone put *something* into the (Gross) Spinach Lembas. Mr. Gamgee did NOT like being a *spoon* He was quite sweet actually. Someone took him back to their dorm as a pet, and he will probably stay that way. No one will miss him! Gotta go, If I'm late for How to die gracefully with Boromir *again* he is going to kill me! Oh well Leggy will save me. O.o, someone found leggys room, and he has *Spiky* Condoms! Kinky! Bye!  
  
Andi –x- 


	4. Pippin Parties and Fangirls...

No more disclaimers from me! It isn't mine, it just makes me hyperventilate typing that, so…  
  
A/N Sofie! OMG, I will never see them again now!!! Evil!!! Oh well… I have yours now… mwehehehehehe, oh, and I have something for you, Playdwarf! I found it, and remembered you!  
  
From the Distance: *Hysterical sobbing*  
  
*  
  
Dear Andi,  
  
I feel so sorry for Legolas! Can he actually walk around without his weapons? We have boys here, but, we tend to… forget… when Legolas enters. Or Aragorn, depending on who you are. Iaryavie is having an Aragorn Anonymous meeting today in my room!!! Calenvariel and her make more noise than you would credit them for!! And they stole my special scented green candles!!! I *need* them for tonight's ceremonies!!! It's Legolas' Anniversary of being transferred to this school, so me and Sitara were planning it for weeks!!! This will cost me, like, another bag of gold for more candles!!! Mum wonders where my money goes. I hope she never finds out…  
  
Oh, about capture-…heh heh… getting Legolas' attention, I like your balloon thing, but we did that last year with a plane. It was fun. Until Sitara's boyfriend fired arrows at us and made us crash. That wasn't. and then we had a detention with Gimli. Yay. Cleaning his room. Do you know what we found in there? I'm scarred. Forever. Legolas has kinky stuff you say? Well… On the plus side, Legolas has a black G-string. Well, not any more… and silk condoms. I left him them… in case we need them.  
  
Ick, I had to put up with a hobbits Pippin Party!!! It is soooo annoying. It's kind of weird because Pippin, or Mr Took, whatever, is like a cute little boy, and you wanna like pick him up and hug him and stuff, but, Pervy Hobbit Fanciers are kind of strange. Each to their own… Just a note on the fantasies thing, don't limit yourself to whipped cream. There are things much more delicious… and messy…  
  
You have good classes! We have Quenya 101, Sindarin 204, Archery 102, Healing 103 (with Goldberry), How to Be a King and Yet Retain Rugged Manliness 208 (When Aragorn can be bothered, i.e., when Arwen is anywhere near him) Revenge 304 with Elladan and Elrohir, Sorcery 502 with Saruman and Gandalf when he's here, and Playing God 209 with Some weird voices that always sing, but we can never see, and kind of freak me out. Oh, my favourite teacher, excluding *him*, is… a dead one? Does that work for you? If not tough because I *hate* my teachers. I suppose Revenge 304 is okay, double elvishness, as Elvea can tell you. She is one of us, but she has this thing about them… oh well. And How to be a King and Yet Retain Rugged Manliness 108 is okay, maybe. *Is jumped by Iaryavie and Calenvariel who are reading over her shoulder* ARGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!! I have to go now!!!  
  
Namarie!  
  
Elli ~A~ (Don't expect a reply soon, I may be helping Boromir with his classes after this lot are done with me. Note to self: Slag off Aragorn *after* fangirls have left) 


	5. Of Legolas Holidays and Room mates...

Authors Note: no-no-NOOOOO! Anything but playdwarf! *Voice from distance* 300 porn packed pages of dwarves getting nasty! AXES SPECIAL!!! Dwarf on dwarf action!  
  
*Shudders* You_must_Die.  
  
Disclaimer:Im posessed by little red M+M's with smily faces and you want me to write a DISCLAIMER!?  
  
Dear Ellie,  
  
Sure he can walk around without his weapons! He can walk around with no clothes on if I-err-He likes… O.o A party just for leggy? He needs a registered holiday! Actually we have signed a petition for one. On Esta Narvinyen (A/N January 1 st) It will be national Middle Earth Legolas day. Amiowielle, Lthuviel (or Argent, it changes weekly. *from the distance* ITS ARGENNNNTTTT…. Yea, sure, whatever, *today*!!) have been helping me plan it.  
  
What else could I do to get Legs' to notice me? Climb a tree!?! Bake him some special honeyed Lembas? What did you find in Gimlis room then? A rock condom?? I bet he's a virgin. Ewww bad mental images! O f***, Yay, now I have to spend *all* my money on pschyiatrist bills. Hmm, a G-string? Kinky! Tasty *drools* gahhhh…. *cough cough* *ANY*way…  
  
Aww! The hobbits are CUTE! But hobbit fangirls are…well…different all the same. Someone told me asparagus was good…caramel perhaps? Oh, I found out my room mates name at last! She was talking in her sleep (And it was pretty X rated x_x ) and kep saying legolas/her name. Which, by the way, is Nursangaiel. She's a wood elf.  
  
How to be king and still maintain rugged manliness? They sure did keep the name to a minimum… Archery sounds fun-one reason only…You think arrows are good sex toys?!? *Legolas walks past and looks at letter* Eee! I have to go nooooooowwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
Namarie!!! 


	6. Of Nameless Chapters...

A/N MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! So what if you kill me, you will have to live with 300 *fun* packed pages! Look out for the extra special 3-page pullout, featuring the dwarves from Bilbo's adventures! (Those still alive)  
  
From Distance: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
*  
  
Dear Andi,  
  
We are beginning our petition as I write! LEGOLAS DAY FOREVER!!! *ahem*. Unfortunately this is being boycotted by the Aragorn Anonymous club, who believe the fact their object of desire is married should prevent *us* from fantasising. DAMN YOU, CALENVARIEL!!! Sorry, but the endless meetings are, *ahem* annoying, to say the least. Pippin parties at 2 am are not exactly welcome either. However, me and Sitara have umm, decided, Legolas would like to tutor us in Archery after school, or on Saturdays, and HE AGREED!!!! My life is like, amazing!!!! Ask him, he thinks your enthusiastic, and he puts his arms round you to steady it. Also, try fainting, or hitting yourself when you pull the arrow back too far.  
  
What did I find in Gimli's room? Do you *really* want to know? Okay, prepare for mental scarring, an *open* and *used* pack of flavoured condoms. I refuse to pay psychiatrist bills. I take no responsibility. You asked. BTW, Legolas saw me reading the letter you sent. He now knows twice what you've written. And he confiscated it. And I think Gimli might look at it. *cough*Know so saw him*cough*.  
  
What classes do you have? And what is your favourite colour? Just interested. I have to go now, Arwie~Kins and Elrond are coming!  
  
Namarie!!!  
  
Elli ~A~ (With *NO* e at the end of Elli!!!!!!!!!) 


	7. Of legoland and mental health

A/N NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Wait a second! I don't have to actually READ it! *Throws Porn mag into distance which hits something*  
  
From the distance: hey! Heeeeyy ; ) this is mah luck-ay day!  
  
Me: o.O…  
  
Elli:o.O…  
  
Disclaimer: *Hic*  
  
Dear Elli,  
  
Strangest thing has happened-Belladonna had an idea, a Lego one, *but* she's a hobbit fangirl! I think its cos Pippin-er-Mr. Took gave her detention for *not* stealing mushrooms. Riiigghhhttt… So she's a bit pissed off with him. Anyway, he idea was, make him a theme park, and call it 'Legoland' I'm amazed she didn't tell us to build it out of little multi- coloured plastic bricks.  
  
I used your advice-I asked Lego for lessons and all (But Nursangaiel insisted on coming) And he said yes! Woohoo! I didn't know I could faint so much-but his skin is very soft!  
  
*Mouth remains open for very long time* Oh_my_God. OH_MY_GOD. No way! Are there any other dwarves in your school-cause that is such a scary thought-I'm gonna need serious counselling for a *long* time.  
  
Oops… Well Leggy probably gets letter like that *all* the time. Don't tell me you never sent one to *anyone*. Gimli is so totally gay.  
  
Free periods for the rest of the day, so no classes, but an archery session with Leggy at 6.00. Favourite colour-Blue, green, and brow, cause *he* wears green and brown and his eyes are blue.  
  
Aww, how sweet, does Arwie~Kins need a bodyguard to keep her safe from the nasty ickle rabid fangirls? Hmm?  
  
Andi (Without a 'Y', that would make me a boy) 


End file.
